This is something I wrote in response to my son, Ben, who asked me how he could help his friend whose mother was dying.
I am sorry for your friend. She most likely is going through hell. Helping a friend through a period like this is a very difficult, but very important task. Although you cannot change the situation, you can make it easier for her to bear.
First, stay connected. One of the worst parts of going through the experience of terminal illness with a relative is the feeling of isolation and being cut off from mainstream society. People don't like death and don't like to talk about it. They particularly feel uncomfortable talking about someone's imminent death. So you, as a friend, can be there to be the one who she *can* talk to, whose feelings she doesn't have to worry about (in terms of grief). You can draw her out and help her to make her mother's time as meaningful for both of them as possible.
If her mother is conscious, she should tell her all of the lovely things that maybe she has never felt comfortable saying. If her mother is not conscious, she should touch her, stroke her, hold her hand- and STILL say all of those things because they are therapeutic for not just her mother, but herself. She should tell her mother that she will always be with her- something that is very true because the people we love stay with us our whole lives. She should reminisce- talking about happy times they spent together and times when her mother was there for her physically and emotionally. She should reminisce too about times that tied them very closely together. People who are dying want to believe that their lives were worthwhile, that things they did are memorable, and that the people they love value the time they spent together.
You should also tell your friend that whatever she feels- despair, sadness, even detachment is normal and that she shouldn't judge her feelings. What is important is that she makes these days as precious as possible for herself and her mother. Just crying isn't what does it. Words *do* make a difference. Touch *does* make a difference.
The denial that many families adopt is very bad because it leaves many unresolved feelings afterwards. People will often comment that they wish they had told their relative how much he or she meant to them, but didn't because they didn't want to upset the person who was dying. In truth, most people who are dying are well aware of it and if they do not express it to family members, it is because they are trying to protect their family members. People who work with hospice patients often report that patients are relieved when hospice workers talk to them about death because they are not worried about hurting the workers by being frank about their condition.
Perhaps your friend doesn't have to talk specifically about the dying to her mother, but she should say to her mother all of the things that she will not have a chance to say in the future. She certainly can acknowledge her mother's feelings of it all being very unfair, but can honestly say that none of us is smart enough to understand what God's purpose is (assuming that one thinks of Him as being the direct cause of all events on Earth.) She can talk about other things that appear to be unfair (there are plenty around). However, she can say that she is with her and that she loves her and that nothing will ever change that.
Without knowing her situation further (like are there any children involved), I can't give more specific advice. The most important thing you can do, however, is to be available to her. By the way, I think death is not the worst evil. The worst evil is unmitigated suffering- and I do believe that sometimes one can even think of death as merciful- In many cases it is a relief of the suffering- both to the person who is ill and to those who love him or her.
Most of all, for you, don't be afraid of getting too close emotionally to it. This experience could be one of growth for you too.
Rona Michelson
Mar 6, 1996